All ashore that are going ashore

All went well, and we managed to get Ty registered for the virtual school.  However, it happened on Friday, which meant he wouldn’t be able to start the program this week.  Shipping is currently taking place and we should be receiving our materials soon, so he can begin coursework on Monday the 14^th.

What that meant for this week, is that Ty had to go back to the public school for a 3 day week.  ONLY  3 MORE DAYS!

What could possibly go wrong?

Monday was fine.  Went off without a hitch. 

Tuesday.  Ty gets home.  Mood seems fine.  He says his day went fine.  Awesome.  One more day to go!

As my husband and I are getting in the car, at 3:08pm, to go to the grocery store his phone rings.  It is the school number.  We assume it is an automated call of some sort.

He answers. 

From my side I hear:

“Yes, this is he.”

“Who?”

“Are you serious?  You are finally calling me?”

And the rest goes down like this…

It was Ty’s teacher, Mrs. R.  Apparently she found a way to call my husband’s “out of state” long distance number.  She wanted to schedule an appointment between herself, my husband and the assistant principal to “air out any concerns that we might have.”

Way to close the barn door after the horse is out, lady.

My husband informed her that a meeting wouldn’t be necessary.  We were pulling our son out of the school.  Then she laughed.  To which my husband stated, “I know you are HAPPY that he won’t be a problem for you anymore.  What a relief right?”  To which she LAUGHED OUT LOUD and in a condescending tone said, “Sir,(sigh) you know that’s not true.”

At that point my husband lost it.  He was SHAKING with rage.  I know he wanted to let her have it, but he remained civil.  He pointed out that it was FAR too late in the process to even consider a parent conference and that he thought it was pretty chicken shit to call him the day before SHE KNEW we were pulling Ty out of school.  (Ty had told her that he was leaving)

In fact, my husband asked her why she hadn’t called WEEKS ago, when he wrote the number in the agenda, and practically BEGGED her to get in contact with us.  Her excuse, “I couldn’t find a private room to make the call from.”

WHAT, pray tell, do you need to be in a PRIVATE room for, to make a parent phone call?

My hubby was fuming.  “WHAT could you possibly have to say OUT LOUD to ME, as a parent, that you wouldn’t want co-workers, or the principal to hear?”

She had no response. 

So he asked again, LOUDER. 

Again, she could not give any reason as to why she would have to speak to us, in a private setting.  All she could muster was, “do you want to have the meeting with me and the assistant principal or not.”

No ma’am.  No thank you.

Before we continued on our errands, we stopped at the school to withdraw him immediately.  I was not going to subject him to one more moment with this woman.  The process was actually relatively painless, but took FOREVER.

As we were waiting for the paperwork to sign, we overheard a parent/teacher/student conference that was happening, right out in the open, in the office.  It was a 4^th grade (Not my son’s)  teacher. She was going ON AND ON about how this kid can’t sit still, interrupts class, doesn’t get his work done, etc..  The 9 year old boy was in tears.  The mother was BEGGING the teacher for help.  She was asking for any resources possible.  She thought that maybe her son had ADHD.  Maybe he needed some additional support.  The teacher looked her dead in the face and said, “then maybe you need to take him to see a psychologist, there is nothing the school can do for him” and continued to verbally beat this kid up for his behavior in her class.

At the end of the session, the mother was crying that she couldn’t afford medical assessments, the teacher was at her wit’s end, and the kid was crying.  And all in all, as an end result, the 5^th largest school district in the USA, turned a family away and said “WE CANNOT HELP YOU.  FIX YOUR KID OR WE DON’T WANT HIM.” 

Here is our boat.  It is full of holes and filling up with water.  Either start bailing the boat, or get OFF.  We won’t give you a bucket, or teach you an effective way to bail.  You need to see what the others are doing and be like them.  JUST DO IT, OK?  If you can’t pull your own weight, or if you ask someone to show you, we will make you walk the plank.

I was almost in tears myself.  I could feel this mother’s desperation.  Her exhaustion has been my own.  I KNOW there are resources available to her, but I don’t know WHAT they are or how to get them to her.  And her son.  In her son’s eyes I saw my own son’s struggle.  I saw fear and hopelessness.  I saw a student that will continue to get “pushed through” to become the next teacher’s problem each year. 

In 5 years, that student will end up in MY high school science classroom, without the basic skills to be able to read or write, because no one saw his struggle, or offered a helping hand, and I will have to find ways to help him.

Some days I feel like I’m the only one that WANTS to help anyone. 

Our plan, revealed.

Last night we told the all of our kids about the plan. 

Ty knew something was up because he had heard his father and I discussing things, pretty much in the open, for the past couple of days.  We explained that we were going to keep him out of school for the next few days.  Our intent was so that he would not have to continue to face the negativity and criticism from the teacher that initiated the major meltdown in the first place.  We also explained what the online school program was going to look like and WHY we thought it would work for him.

We started out by discussing a schedule. 

Mom: “So, you are still going to have an 8 o’clock bedtime.  There is no staying up late to play xbox all night or other crap.  This isn’t a REWARD for you.  This is an ALTERNATIVE because what you have now is NOT working for you.  Do you understand that?”

Ty: “I get it.”

Mom: “But here is the deal.  When your sisters are getting up at 6:30, if you are still a bit tired, it will be OK to sleep a bit longer.  There isn’t going to be a huge rush to get dressed and get out the door by 7:25.”

(As an aside:  Ty is the WORST at getting ready in the morning.  Typically, it takes 4-10 times of me reminding him to take his medication before it actually happens.  Then, even with encouragement, polite and otherwise, the entire process of eating breakfast, getting dressed in CLEAN CLOTHES, getting teeth and hair brushed, FINDING clean socks, getting shoes ON the feet and tied, having his backpack and homework together and GETTING OUT THE DOOR ON TIME, is a struggle.  EVERY MORNING.! It doesn’t matter if you set out clothes the night before, pack lunches the night before, organize the entire backpack as a team the night before.  EVERY MORNING IS A STRUGGLE that usually ends in a fight. And after all that chaos, we send him to school feeling like he has already been through a cyclone of disaster.)

Ty:  “I don’t have to wear my uniform anymore, do I?”

Mom: “No dude, you can hang out in sweat pants if you want, but I still want you in CLEAN clothes! OK?”

Ty: *laughs* “Yes, Mom.”

Mom:  “So here is what I’m thinking as a morning routine.  Wake up sometime between 6:30 and 7:30.  I can’t have you sleeping until 10 or anything.  What is the FIRST thing you are supposed to do when you wake up?  Every morning?”

Ty: *sighs* “Take my pill.”

Mom: “Right.  Take your pill.  Then eat breakfast.  And then put some clean clothes on.”

Ty: “How is this different from a regular morning?”

Mom: “You don’t have a RUSH to be somewhere. That should relieve some of the pressure.  However, I need you to still be READY to start between 7:30 and 8am.”

Ty: “OK, that sounds fair.”

Mom: “We haven’t received the curriculum from the school yet, so I don’t know what TYPES of things they are going to be requiring you to do, but the FIRST school related thing I want you to do every day is PE.  After you’ve taken your pill and you’ve eaten and gotten dressed, I want you to be active for 35-40 minutes.”

Ty: “What do you expect me to do?  Like… Run up and down the stairs or something?  Do pushups?  What?”

Mom:  “Well, you CAN do those things if you want.  But I was thinking something, a bit different.  *pause*  Can you guess what I’m thinking about?”

Ty: “No, not really.”

Mom: “We have a Kinect for the Xbox.  How about you play the Kinect Adventures game?  Running, jumping, etc..  that could be fun!  Or the Kinect Sports.  Do the track meet stuff.  Or Bowl.  Or play soccer.”

Then, I saw my son’s eyes light up! He was stoked.

Mom: “You think you could exercise doing those things for 35-45 minutes a day?  First thing in the morning?  I think it will help burn off some of that extra energy you have, allow your pill to kick in,  and get you focused for the rest of the day.”

Ty: “That sounds like a plan!”

Mom:  “OK.  So that puts us around 8:45 or so.  After you exercise, be sure to drink some water and go to the bathroom.  Between 8:45 and 9, you will need to get started on your first academic assignment.  I don’t have the stuff yet, so I don’t know what it will be.  Maybe we will start with math.  Maybe science.  Maybe spelling, or writing, or social studies or Spanish, or reading.  I don’t know yet.  But you will need to spend AT LEAST 15-30 minutes doing EACH topic a day. 

We will get a schedule set up.  We will get you a binder with tabs to keep you organized.  Maybe we will be able to tear the pages out of the workbooks and put them in you binder so you know what you need to get done each day. You can put stuff aside that you get stuck on.  It can wait until Daddy or I can help you with it. 

If you get frustrated trying to do something, you can move on to another topic.  Or get up, walk away, get a drink, exercise some more, listen to music, or SOMETHING for 5-10 minutes.  Reset your brain and try again. Hell, if you’ve been working for a couple of hours, and think you need some rest, take a nap for an hour.  These are all things you WERE NOT allowed to do in the classroom.  Doing these things to give yourself a reset was what was getting you in trouble at school before.  Now you are allowed to. 

Here’s what you are NOT allowed to do though.  Do NOT take so many breaks you don’t get anything done.  Don’t decide to watch TV for “10 minutes” and end up watching it for 3 hours instead.  Don’t tell me you WON’T do something.  Don’t tell me you CAN’T do something.  Don’t fight with me when I’m trying to teach you.

OK.. now, I want you to make a list of Pro’s and Con’s about what we’ve talked about here.”

Ty: “What are pro’s and con’s?”

Mom:  “Good things and bad things.  Start with the Pro’s, the good things, first.”

Ty:  “For a Pro, I think that the best thing is going to be that I won’t get getting yelled at, or getting in trouble so much.  That is going to be the best thing.”

Mom:  “Well, do you think that your dad and I won’t  discipline you if you screw up?”

Ty: “Of course you will.  But still, it’s not like the teacher yelling at me in front of everyone.”

Mom:  *wink* “Remember, we can discipline you in ways that a TEACHER in school can not.  OK.  What else will be a good thing?”

Ty: “Well, they are testing me to see where I’m at.  If I don’t understand something that was important from last year, I can try to learn it again.  And if I know something already, I can test past it.  I think that is pretty cool too.  And I’m hoping I can do art and Spanish every day.  Right now in school I only get art once a week.  OH, and you are going to make me do PE every day too.  I think that will help a lot.  Can we start trying that out tomorrow?”

Mom: “Sure.  OK.. now tell me what the bad things, or the con’s, will be.”

Ty:  “The biggest thing is going to be that I won’t get to play with my friends as much.”

Mom:  “I know you really like hanging out with your friends, buddy.  I’m sorry if that is going to make you a little bit sad.  But, you know, if you are done with all your work by the time your sisters get home from school, you can go out and ride your skateboard or your bike just like you do when you get home from school now.  We aren’t going to lock you in the house all day.  You just need to focus on getting the work done by 2:30.  And honestly, if your “friends” aren’t distracting you in class, you might move through the work faster, and be done BEFORE 2:30…  right?  Can you think of anything else that might be bad?”

Ty:  “Not really.”

Mom:  “I’m going to tell you what I’m afraid of.  Is that ok?”

Ty: *nods*

Mom:  “I’m afraid that you are going to think this is cool for a while.  Then, you are going to stop wanting to do the work.  Or WON’T do it, unless your father or I are sitting right next to you.  And, the problem with that is, daddy needs to sleep during the day for the first few hours you are doing your school work, because he works at night.  I teach my own students all day, and won’t be home until 3pm.  If you stop working on your own, and wait until I get home to do your school work, then we are going to be doing school work from 3pm until 9pm.  And that just might kill me.  I really need you to try and be responsible with this.  We will HELP you through, but I can’t do the work for you.  I’ve already been through the 4^th grade.  You need to learn how to do this stuff.  Do you understand?”

Ty: “ I get it mommy.  I understand.  You are trying to give me a chance to do great things.  And I need to DO THEM.”

I smiled, and shipped him off to bed at 8pm like every other night.  Then my husband and I sat in the silence, totally terrified.  We can’t help but second guess ourselves and wonder if we are making the right decision.  If this doesn’t work, we have no idea where we can go from here. 

…

Thursday morning he woke up, took his pill and asked:  “Can I do the PE thing this morning?  I know I don’t have the regular school work stuff yet, but I want to start by doing this.”

*smile*

Sure baby, do your thing.

Our Story- PART 2

Then, on TUESDAY NOVEMBER 1, 2011, the straw finally broke the camel’s back.

My son comes home with an updated progress report.  His grades have fallen from A/B’s to straight C’s.  He is still dealing with an F in writing, because he was never allowed to make up the missed assignments that happened when the sub was there. Because, apparently in the REAL WORLD, if you miss a deadline, you just don’t have to DO IT ANY MORE. (ohhhhhh what a different place the business world would be if this were true)

On his progress report, in red ink, hand written, are the words:

Does only 10-20% of his work.  CONSTANT disruption in class. NO HOMEWORK.

My son has crossed out the 10-20% and wrote 50% instead.  We asked him why, and he said “I do at LEAST half of it”. (Heh.. at least he understands fractions, right?)  I was fuming.  Steam was coming out of my ears.  BUT, I actually giggled.  Because honestly, if he is still getting C’s, he HAS to be doing more than 10%.  Also, I SEE HIS HOMEWORK and check it every day.  It is possible he’s not turning it in, I agree with that (which we had a HUGE discussion about), but I KNOW he is doing it. But she will not allow ANY late work. 

In an interesting turn of events, on the SAME progress report, he is meeting or exceeding ALL the tested standards (except for 2 in writing where I know he is struggling).  SO, in essence, he has tested AT or ABOVE grade level for all the things he is expected to know, but is failing, or getting C’s because he doesn’t want to do the busy work.

OK, so WHY did THIS DAY break the camel’s back, you ask? Well… I  haven’t told you the whole story yet.

Attached to the progress report was a “behavior notice” for the month of October.  She tallied up ALL the warnings/mistakes he had made in class for an entire month and sent the report home to inform us of all these problems (you know, some of which occurred 30 days ago) all at once.

He had 10 warnings, 2 names on the board, and 2 written reflections.  Never once in her discipline plan, had he made it to a point where she thought it was bad enough to call home or send him to the office.  Yet somehow, now, I was supposed to punish him, or at least try to talk to him, about issues that happened a MONTH ago, that he can’t even remember…

Ty was in tears.  He was crying. 

“She expects me to be a perfect little angel all the time.” 

“She doesn’t understand me and what I need.” 

“She has me sitting so far in the back of the room I can’t see and barely hear her.”

“When I ask her a question about the assignment we are suppose to be doing she tells me to just read instead”

“Today, I got in trouble for nothing.  LITERALLY NOTHING.  I wasn’t doing anything.  But I had to write my name up on the board because I was supposed to be doing SOMETHING I guess”

He had a complete and total meltdown.  Tears.  Rage.  Frustration. 

I was seeing the school system fail us, in my living room.

Then, here is the kicker.  In his agenda, she wrote the following, in ALL CAPS:

PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH A LOCAL NUMBER OR CALL ME AT THE SCHOOL!!! I MUST TALK TO YOU NOW!!!

Well, when my husband dialed the school number (with no extension given, mind you) the office was already closed.  At 2:40pm. (School lets out at 2:10).  Also, WE DON’T HAVE A LOCAL NUMBER.  It is a cell phone number.  Somehow the school nurse and the auto-dialer manage to make calls to it.  If your classroom phone won’t let you dial a long distance number, FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT!!!

(As an aside, I work for the SAME district.  I can make a long distance call from the counseling office but I’ve found if I need to call a long distance number, I just use my personal cell phone for fuck’s sake)

Now… my son is crying and my husband is pissed off and I’m exhausted after teaching 201 of my OWN students all day.  There has GOT  to be a better way for us to get through this. 

I explained it to a friend like this:

For my son, trying to conform to a mainstream classroom is like trying to get a triangular shaped peg into a round hole.  The hammer is pounding away on the peg.  The peg is crying because it can’t fit in.  The hole is crying because it can’t be the right shape.  The hammer is upset because it is working hard to make the peg fit, but it is all wasted energy.

I know we should be able to keep him in a public school setting.  We can label him special needs, tag him with a legal document (504 plan) and make the entire world conform to HIM.  He will always be the child that teachers talk about in the faculty lounge.  My husband and I will forever be the pushy parents that administrators dread meeting with. 

I don’t want that.

I don’t want that stigma for my son.  He doesn’t have the right to be a constant disruption to other student’s. He doesn’t have the right to expect to be treated differently than any other kid in a classroom.  His brain is wired differently.  I guess that makes him a “spesual sn0flacke” to some people, but it doesn’t make him dumb, or entitled.  It shouldn’t make him be singled out for “preferential seating” or  different grading standards.  I don’t need a 504 plan to help a teacher decide how to effectively manage her classroom.

However, as a parent, I DO have the right to advocate for my child.  And what I am telling you, is that the average way of doing business doesn’t WORK for my son.  He has the RIGHT to be given every opportunity to be successful, and from our 5 years in the public school system, we are realizing that THEY aren’t IT.  He needs something different. 

My husband and I began looking at online/virtual schools and came across k12.com. We sent in an interest form and within 3 minutes, received a phone call to tell us about the program, get a feel for our situation, and explain how they might be able to help our son.  At the end of the 45 minute phone call, we were impressed, but not sold on it.  My husband decided he would go to the public school the next morning and meet with the principal.  He wanted to give the public school system ONE MORE TRY.  Maybe we just weren’t communicating our needs effectively.

So, this morning, my husband dropped the kids off at school, he popped into the office to meet with the principal.  

Her secretary asked, “Do you have an appointment?”

Husband: “No, but it is urgent that I see her as soon as possible.”

Secretary: “What is this regarding?”

Husband: “Ummm.. my son and his future here at this school.”

Secretary: “Have you meet with the teacher yet?”

Husband: “I’ve been trying but communication has broken down.  That is part of the problem I’d like to address with the principal.”

Secretary: “Oh well, if you haven’t met with the teacher first, the principal will not have a meeting with you.  Sorry.”

Husband: “Wait.. what?”

Secretary:  *blank stare*

Husband: “Oh wait… Are you serious? *confused*  Really?”

Secretary: “Yes sir, you need to meet with the teacher first.”

Husband: “You understand that I’ve been trying to, and I can’t get a hold of her, right?”

Secretary:  *blank stare*

Husband: “OK, I’d like to withdraw my son from this school.”

Secretary: “OK Sir, I can help you with that.” *smile*

And just like that, they let him slip through the cracks…

We will be enrolling him in k12.com curriculum starting on Monday.

This blog is intended to document our experiences with homeschool for our son.

Our story- PART 1

Our Story- Part 1

Yes.  Our son has ADHD.  I could go through the saga in which we spent the first 6 years of his life just thinking he was a “bad” kid.  Hours could be spent simply discussing my husband and my decision to take him to a shrink  for the first time.  Another novel could be written discussing the pros and cons of medication, and our decision to do so.

But, in this blog, I will focus mostly on recent event.  Events involving the education system and how it fails children in our son’s situation.  It will document our decision to move our son into a virtual academy and homeschool him.

Let me start off by saying, I’m not trying to bash the public education system.  IN FACT, I MYSELF AM A PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am a teacher.  In a public high school.  I know first hand, the trials and tribulations that teacher’s face when dealing with students that do not fit into a certain mold. 

My daughters, well, they FIT THE MOLD.  They sit quietly, do all the assignments, smile, act polite, nod their heads and do what the teacher tells them to do.  The system is working for them. 

With that said, I can also say with complete certainty, that the public school system is failing my son.  He questions the reasoning behind doing things.  He asks “If I know this material, why do I have to take notes about it?”  or  “I learn from listening “ or “I do good on the tests, why do I have to do all this extra practice stuff?”  He tells me he has a hard time “multi-tasking” like the teacher wants him to. 

Did I mention, he is 9? 

School has generally been a struggle for Ty.  He doesn’t really LIKE what he is learning most of the time, but he learns it, does decent on the tests, and turns in most of his work.  I accepted the fact that he probably isn’t going to be an honor student a few years ago, but I don’t accept poor performance for reasons like “I don’t FEEL like doing it”.   

We’ve spent the past few years bashing it into his skull that the world doesn’t care if this learning style doesn’t work for you.  It is what is expected and YOU MUST CONFORM.  Pony..  here is a hoop… jump through it!  It has been a constant struggle for my family. 

This school year started out pretty good.  We met with his teacher before school started.  She was laid back, seemed ADHD herself, was artsy, young and energetic.  Ty had an immediate bond with her.  We explained his situation to her, and with a wink and a smile, she told us things would be great.  And they were.  They were FANTASTIC!  Then, 4 weeks into the school year, she left the school to move to a different state. 

Ty was heartbroken.  And as parents, we know that CHANGE is one of our son’s biggest ADHD outburst triggers.  He had 2 subs in a matter of 3 weeks.  Then, his NEW permanent teacher came in.  And she was the worst “type” he could have gotten.  I swear, if it weren’t for bad luck, this kid would have no luck at all. 

The new teacher (let’s call her Ms. R) is a HARD ASS. She is overly strict, overly picky, and not at all flexible.  Ty was missing a couple of writing assignments from the transition period when the subs were there, and he asked Ms. R about making those assignments up.  She told him she wouldn’t allow it.  We wrote a note to ask her (because we thought Ty was lying) and she tells us that TY will have to track down the FORMER TEACHER and ask the FORMER teacher for the assignments and credit.  Seriously?  He’s 9.  I think teaching my 9 year old how to use Google to cyber stalk a teacher is in bad form…  but I digress.

And that is just the academic side.  Since Ms. R has taken over, we’ve gotten a couple of notes home regarding Ty’s behavior.  The few written interaction we’ve has with Ms. R have not been very pleasant or informative. He is telling us he is getting in trouble in class for doing things like “squeeking his tennis shoes” and “talking”.  He probably isn’t acting MALICOUSLY, and we really just need to get the teacher to give us a call, and we can figure out a way to get him “on her side”.  Instead of fighting against the rebelling hyperactive kid, Teacher School 101 is to learn how to get that kid ON YOUR TEAM.

Also, we need to figure out if maybe he needs a medication adjustment.  He has been on the same dosage of Concerta since he was 7.  Maybe we need to adjust things.  However, I think that Ms. R has a low tolerance for ANY behavior issue (classroom management much?), and am concerned that if I asked for her opinion, she’d want us to adjust his medication to ZOMBIE level so she wouldn’t have to deal with him at all.

So, we’ve requested, in writing, several times (returning progress reports or in my son’s agenda) that she give us a call.  We’ve heard nothing from her.  In the meantime, my husband receives calls on his cell phone from the school nurse, “parentlink”, etc… at least once a week.